JOKES!!!!

[Big Lake Blondie]

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas
is planning to do one entitled "Survivor, Texas Style".

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin ,
San Antonio , over to Houston , and down to Brownsville .[SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa ,
Lubbock , and Amarillo .[/SIZE][SIZE=2]
[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth , and finally back toDallas .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read "I'm
Gay", "I Love the Dixie Chicks", "Boycott Beef", "I Voted for Obama", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2012", and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns".

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!!![/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]

[CatDaddy]

[SIZE=3]A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. "She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=3] [/SIZE]

[SIZE=3]The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat!" "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."[/SIZE]

[CatDaddy]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing
> > trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
> > because his wife wouldn't let him.. After a lot of teasing and name
> > calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up
> > camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the
> > campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a
> > camp fire glowing.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "I didn't have to," Dave replied.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my
> > chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind
> > me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
> > through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to
> > the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

[flounder_smacker]

man died and went to heaven as he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates; he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"




Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."




"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"



"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."



"Incredible," said the man". And whose clock is that one?"



St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Barack Obama's clock?" asked the man.



"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.



He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[CatDaddy]

[Hebert]

T-boy from youtube lol



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVvpnBL6rPY

[wtretrievers]

One day Salty decided to wash his sweat shirt, Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends" his wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

Salty yelled back...."OKLAHOMA SOONERS!"

& they say blondes are dumb

Sorry Salty! couldnt pass that one up!

[Deadly D]

Originally Posted by wtretrievers

One day Salty decided to wash his sweat shirt, Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends" his wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

Salty yelled back...."OKLAHOMA SOONERS!"

& they say blondes are dumb

Sorry Salty! couldnt pass that one up!

Jeff you know that want go over good.

[southern151]

Here's a few that I have. I got a couple of more but, I'm afraid they might have me hangin out in W's corner if I posted em outside the net.


1.jpg

easter.jpg

yoshi.bmp

ShowLetter.jpg

[southern151]

Some sad realities here, fellas!...



Night Out.jpg

[southern151]

Kids need a hobby on summer break? I may be going to hell!

[southern151]

Awoman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
[She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.


Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other..

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[CatDaddy]

I was in the Circle Top yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[CatDaddy]

Jose
> and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different
> areas of town.
>
> Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but
> only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.
>
> Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills
> every day.
> He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free
> house, and has a lot of money to spend.
>
> "Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work
> just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home
> a suitcase fullof ten dollar bills every day?
>
> Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it
> say?"
>
> Carlo's sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and
> six kids to support."
>
> "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks
> him..
>
> "No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a
> day!"
>
> Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign
> say?"
>
> It reads, "I only need ten
> dollars to get back to Mexico

[MulletBreath]

[SIZE=5]World's Shortest Fairy Tale[/SIZE][SIZE=5][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5]Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=1]
[/SIZE][SIZE=4]The End[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]

[speck-chaser]

Police Do Care....

[SIZE=3][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5]
The Lexington Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky River just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his butt. The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][/SIZE]

[FlatoutFishin]

Originally Posted by speck-chaser

Police Do Care....

[SIZE=3][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5][/SIZE]
[SIZE=5] The Lexington Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky River just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge . The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on, and an Obama t-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his butt. The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][/SIZE]

Oldie(if 6 months is old) but a goody! LOL

[Big Lake Blondie]

> A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
> Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
> road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.. The Marine
> was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad
> leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I
> was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south
> was a heavily armed insurgent."
>
> We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
> I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who
> got what he deserved.
> He yelled back that Barrack Obama is a dumb, good-for-nothing, left wing
> liberal faggot who doesn't know how to drive.
> So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
> lesbian!
> He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
> "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
> hit us."

[CatDaddy]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the[SIZE=5][/SIZE][SIZE=5]New Orleans Saints. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans ..[/SIZE]

[YellaBlazer]

How many SaltyCajun members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in W's posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 Texas know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker from LSM to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over.